Life is evil; I’ve learned that over the years. There was a time when I saw the good in everyone and I expected them, like me, to be more inclined to show this good side when given the chance. I was wrong, people DO have a good side but at the same time, that good side will usually get clouded over by other people who’ve had their good side clouded out. Some people just don’t change and no matter how many chances you give them to come out of their dark, sad holes, they’d rather just stay locked up in their sadness and use people to make themselves feel better. It’s just how some people are. Other times, it’s not about your good being clouded over, it’s about being born with a certain amount of character or being raised to believe that you have to do something this certain way and anything else would be failure. If none of this makes sense, please disregard it, I’m not here to bring anyone down, I’m just here to show that world( and myself) that I’ve learned a lesson that I should’ve learned YEARS ago. 

I learned that you can’t please everyone. People will inherently look for your flaws, no matter who you are or what you’ve done. Whether your a good person, or a bad one. I would consider myself a relativity level headed person with a more calm personality than others BUT in my past 21 years, I’ve learned that expecting others to treat you well because you treat them well is a naive way of thinking. I’ve garnered this title of being some timid, quiet, pacifistic person for so long and I realized that this kind of disposition makes people come to lose their respect for you. I never usually realize it until it happens and when it happens, people just assume that I’m this defenseless guy who needs others to stand up for him. I hate that. I hate this idea of people who think they need to help me or need to give me some kind of boost because I’m lacking or because I’m not strong enough. When people start to think that you need their help or their advise, they begin to think that they can control your life or that they can somehow begin to have a say in what you do or think. This is unacceptable and I won’t tolerate it anymore. The lesson that I’ve been learning is that it’s time for me to take the reigns. It’s time for me to stand up and say, “No, I don’t need your help, I can do this myself.” It’s time for me to look to those who see me as some helpless deer and tell them to “get your own life, this one is already taken”    

I’m not be seen as a weaker person. I’m learning that this is a part of life and before I can really take a step into adulthood, I need stand up for me and not rely on others to do it. 

Excuse me for getting really personal there but as a more artistically inclined person, I need to get out my thoughts either through music or writing. Thanks for reading, if you did. 

*typed to the tune of “Vagabond” by Wolfmother 

Ran out of bread the day before Passover. In retrospect, this was a good decision on my part; no yeast = no temptation. On the other hand, I have things to eat and no bread to eat them with, I guess my matzoh card has been pulled. חג שמח הברים!

“Life is funny.” No, no it’s not. Life is cruel and misleading. But, something positive that you do learn in life is how to outsmart it through your mistakes. This is something that I’m having to learn for a second time. This is the second time that I’ve come to see myself in the light of what I thought I wanted to be, but shouldn’t have become. This is the second time that I’ve had to completely destroy everything that I’ve built in my life only to rebuild it all in the hopes that I, and GOD, are pleased with the outcome. 

I’m not one who likes to admit that I’m wrong and honestly it takes a firm, loving hand to make me see my mistakes. That is something that I’ve run into today; a firm, loving hand. I’m not just talking about any firm or loving hand, I’m talking about my best friend’s firm, loving hand. Apparently, I’ve become something that I wasn’t and it took her to point it out (from 3,000 miles across the globe!) for me to realize that she was absolutely right. I have become so rapped up in becoming something that was pleasing to everyone that I ended up disappointing and hurting those that should’ve come first in my life. 

Why is it that when we’re not happy with who/how we are, we look for other sources of happiness to fill this void that we think we find in ourselves? Why? Why do we look for happiness in all the wrong places? This is something that I’ve had to deal with before and now I’m back facing the same monsters that I thought I had slain from not even 5 months ago. I’ve made myself into something that is only pleasing on the outside, not the inside. I wanted something so selfishly that I was willing to sacrifice my principles in order to make everything feel alright. Thank you, Paula, for helping me see the errors that I wanted to ignore. 

I feel like sometimes I have to find happiness in people when the whole time, I know deep in my heart that I should be looking up and not ahead. Why do I find people so much more appealing then the One who longs for my attention? Now, I have to take a look at my inventory AGAIN and play the game, “Which one of these doesn’t belong?” I hate playing this game! It’s like ripping up all of my supporting arches and retaining walls and standing bare while I wait on HIM to replace the things that I know didn’t belong. The up side to all of this is that I’ve done this before and I know that this gives me another opportunity to do myself over again; to make myself something that I know that I’ll like better than what I was. It’s like looking at a blank canvas or empty music sheet that’s just waiting to be filled, all of the support is there, it just takes an artists to do the work.

One day I’ll find out what it means to be content with myself. For now, I’m just going to have to start looking up more often…and watch out for trees and rocks and stuff that come in my path. I’ll get this right eventually.  

I’m not really sure why I titled this post the way I did. I guess once you read what I’m writing, it MIGHT make sense but then again, I may just change it. Anyways, so today, I went to church (yay!) but then I came home and I just like forgot about everything. It was like I was in class and as soon as the bell rang, I went home and totally didn’t do my homework or go over my lecture notes. I just set it all down and went about my business. It’s like my mind decided that there was more important things to do, this stuff can all wait. I’m not sure why I do that. It can be problem for me, getting “caught in the wrong mix” of life notes. Instead of focusing on what I learned and meditated on for the three hours I was worshiping and feeding at church, I decided to put my notes and textbook away and went for a romp through the Forest of “Something Better.” Does this make sense? When I say something better, I don’t mean like drugs or anything, more like putting GOD behind me while I do what I want to do in life. I had a chance to come back, listen to more worship music and really study what I learned today on a deeper, personal level…but I didn’t. Instead, I opted to go about my business and do anything else. It wasn’t a conscious decision, it just happened. I don’t know, don’t think that I went off and killed someone and then filled my body with drugs and alcohol and had fun on the wrong side of tracks, I just didn’t put my time in to my “studies.”

Ugh, I’m ranting, not informing. Rewind(fast forward?)

Anyways, I’m finally back in my dorm for the night and I realize this sense of loneliness now. Now that I’m not focusing on anything else, I can’t turn and talk to anyone, I can’t call anyone (it’s almost 3am here), and I can’t leave and go somewhere. Now that I’m truly trapped here in my room, reality hit that I wasn’t faithful to HIM and I did what my heart desired, now I’m left in my room by myself searching the internet for something, anything to do to fill the void left by my selfishness when I could’ve been worship and praising all afternoon. I guess there is no time like the present. I can always just start the Hillsong and let HIM take control of the situation.

Actually, that sounds like the best decision I’ve made all night. La hitraot. “Later” in Hebrew.   

but I’d rather talk about my life. So, nothing much has changed here in Israel since I got here. I’m still in Ulpan, I’ve started working out again, I had to do laundry for the first time last night and I found out, after much trial and error, that the dryers in my wash room don’t work. I wish someone would’ve told me that when I decided to wet my clothes for the sake of not smelling like a smoker(everyone in Israel smokes so it’s a matter of time until your things start smelling like smoke but this only really happens if you go out a lot, I don’t go out a lot but I’ve been out a few times so that’s what I get) anyways. Today, after missing the bus to church, I went to work out and then a few friend and myself decided to walk to the Druze village that’s just up the road from the University. It took us about an hour and a half. It wasn’t a bad walk but it was a bad life choice on my end to wear year old converse. Once we made it to the Druze village, I stopped in a local market and bought a new comb (exciting!) and we found a family diner that was owned by a local Druze family who literally showered us with foods and then offered us a ride back to the school. Did I mention that I’ve started watching 7th Heaven? Well, I have. I get pretty bored up on this mountain which has caused me to branch out in terms of my entertainment. 

In other news, I’m learning that I was brought to Israel for more than just learning and touring. I think that there is something here in Israel that I’m supposed to take back to America with me. I’m not talking about a gift or a picture or anything. I mean like in a personal or spiritual sense. Like, I knew that being in Israel was going to be an awesome spiritual experience for me but now I think that I’m supposed to change something about myself while I’m here. I honestly don’t know what brought me to this conclusion but I do know that this is pretty much what’s happening. I guess the only way I’ll know is when I get home and everyone says, “What happened to you, you’re so different.” It’s happened before and I’m honestly looking forward to it. I think that a constant evolution of yourself can be good for you. I mean, no one is perfect and if we’re constantly improving ourselves, what harm can come from that? Unless, of course, you start changing for the worse but I don’t think the LORD would’ve brought me to the Promised Land to make me a bad person, if anything, I was brought to have my questions answered and to be fulfilled in a spiritual sense…interesting thoughts, no? I’m dull, admit it. But, being dull is something different and I think that I’m starting to enjoy the constant difference I find in myself compared to other people. I don’t want to be what people expect of me, I think that all this time, I’d been fighting that idea of being different. If you noticed, since I got to Israel, I’ve been talking a lot more openly about how my differences make me who I am today. That’s something new, I think. I’ll have to keep you guys out of the loop on this one, it’s between me and my Creator. Hopefully, a somewhat finished project will be on that plane back to America at the end of this semester. 

Today, my Hebrew teacher made me pretty mad. Now that I look back on it, I can understand why she did what she did but I’m guessing that I’m going to have to get used to the way they do things here in Israel. So, we took out first sets of tests for our Winter Ulpan last week and today we got them back. Now, I was expecting to get a pretty low mark on this thing and I had already prepared myself for that BUT what I did not expect was for her to place my paper on my desk, sans grade, and tell me in front of the other students to see her after class. BRRRAH! I was pissed not only because I obviously did worse on my test than the other students but she then she decided that she would let the others know that I needed to “see her after class.” In America, when you do poorly on a test, the teacher normally writes something like, “See me after class” or “We need to talk” so as to keep you from embarrassing yourself in front of the others in your class. It’s like the unwritten courteousy rule between teachers and students (there aren’t many of these unwritten rules but the ones that do exist, we do not take lightly). So there I sat, embarrassed because I had obviously done the poorest in the class. This class is filled mostly with people I would call my good friends but I guess it didn’t take away from the fact that I’m not very happy with people knowing my business unless I tell them and I see it as my business that I did poorly on the test (of course now y’all know, but that’s okay because I told you). After class, she proceeded to tell me everything that I did wrong on the test while the other students were filling out. I guess you could call me paranoid and I’m sure that half the students that I thought over heard her, probably didn’t. Now that I look back on it, what better way for a teacher to motivate a student then by embarrassing them(in the appropriate manner of course) in front of the other students. Pnina threatened me with my own handiwork and now I’m going to have to call her bluff and show her up. I’ll have to work extra double hard to bring up my social grade in my class but I can do it…or else I’ll be known as the guy who got paper slapped by his teacher. NOT.GOING.TO.HAPPEN.